My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
