got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
