I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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