Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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