he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
