we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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