Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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