I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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