Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Im part way to drunk.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
