who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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