"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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