he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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