I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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