sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So much Jack, so little girl.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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