I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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