I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
