between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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