Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
