You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
