I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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