sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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