How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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