Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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