There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
