I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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