You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
