My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
