I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
