I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
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