He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
