My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
