That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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