Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
