So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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