You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
