New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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