When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Say something about gay babies.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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