So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
