your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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