Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
