just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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