just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
