your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
