i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
