I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
