My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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