my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
