why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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