Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
