my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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