So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Randomize
