I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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